Cultivating a Kind Mind

“Trying to focus on the present, when my current reality felt so uncomfortable, was a futile effort.” - Ann P. Fleming

As someone who has spent the majority of my life with a critical inner voice, discovering that I no longer had to put up with it, was like being freed from a prison I didn’t even realize I was in.

I know that there are people out there who have a supportive and encouraging inner monologue, heck I’ve even met a few. When they stumble, they might hear, “That’s ok, you did your best.” or, “Keep trying, you'll get it eventually.” When they consider pursuing something new, they inspire themselves with thoughts like, “You can do this.” And when things don’t go as planned, they simply reflect, “What a great learning opportunity that was!” These individuals always seem to savor life, radiating joy, yet often I found myself baffled and a bit envious. I used to think they were out of touch, and that maybe they needed a reality check.

Then there are those of us who grapple with a more unforgiving inner dialog. At times, when we make mistakes, the voice shames us with, “Why did I do that? I’m such an idiot!” As we contemplate new endeavors, it may whisper, “I can’t do that, I don’t have the right experience.” or, “I’m not smart enough.” These self deprecating thoughts can be incredibly limiting, often causing us to revisit the same challenges, over and over, finding it difficult to break free from our familiar patterns.

My journey through self-help books led me down various paths–positive affirmations, the “no pain no gain” mentality, and also to some self exploration that, although enlightening, did little to help me move forward. Trying to focus on the present, when my current reality felt so unsatisfying, was a futile effort. It was all mildly comforting, but kind of like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.

Focusing intently on a project, and feeding myself with small accomplishments, temporarily quelled my inner critic. Yet, this approach often led to tunnel vision, and the other aspects of my life wound up neglected. I would beat my best time on a century bike tour, but my finances wouldn’t be where I wanted them, or my business would be thriving, but my personal life would be woefully lacking. And still, that critical voice persisted, refusing to play the role of a supportive friend.

For a time, alcohol offered a reprieve from this unrelenting voice, temporarily silencing it and bringing a sense of relief. Friends even remarked that I was “more fun” while drinking. But the next day, the voice would return with even greater ferocity, armed with fresh material for self ridicule, as if to punish me for my fleeting escape.

Eventually it became clear that these were not effective strategies; they were mere coping mechanisms. So I began seeking a genuine solution, though at the time, I couldn’t even articulate what the problem was–I only knew that what I was doing wasn’t working.

One day while scrolling through Youtube in search of a “band aid,” I stumbled upon a talk by Tony Robbins that caught my interest. He spoke about the voice in our heads, explaining that it is separate from our true selves, that it was in essence a program of established beliefs replaying in our minds. That insight ignited a spark within me, so I started digging for more.

I discovered “The Untethered Soul” by Micheal Singer, who referred to this inner critic as “the roommate in your head.” He posed a powerful question: “If you had a roommate in real life who treated you like this, would you keep them around?” This resonated with me at such a deep level. It was really so simple yet profound, a realization I hadn’t been ready to embrace until that moment.

Singer, along with others like Joe Dispenza, and Esther Hicks, introduced me to techniques for cultivating a more peaceful inner environment. Here are some key takeaways from my journey.

Notice the voice: The first step is simply to acknowledge the voice in your head. As I have already established, mine wasn’t being too nice, running like a relentless playlist of negativity for as long as I could remember. Realizing that this inner dialog wasn’t my essence was both shocking and freeing. I learned that I could take control.

**Reclaim Your Power”: When you notice a negative narrative playing, tell it “thanks, but I don't need your help.” Initially this felt exhausting; as soon as I dismissed one negative thought, another would quickly take its place. Yet, like building a muscle, I improved my ability to recognize and dismiss these thoughts.

Shift your focus: Redirect your attention toward something you love, appreciate or desire. This pivot from negative to positive is a kind of reorganizing. It teaches your brain to recognize negative thoughts as mere information that can be used to help gain clarity about what you do want.

Accentuate the positive: When a nice thought finds its way in, pay attention to it. Notice how it makes you feel, spend time with it, and appreciate how it came to you.

While that cantankerous old voice still occasionally resurfaces, I can usually spot it early and redirect my attention to what I want to create, and where I want to go. My inner world has transformed into a pleasant and peaceful space. I no longer seek relief from it; rather, I cherish this newfound gift, nurturing it daily.

I often reflect on the significant implications of understanding this ability–the power to choose the thoughts we want to focus on, and to be the one controlling the inner dialog, not the other way around. Now as I watch my own son growing, and witness his natural propensity for joy, I can’t help but think; What if we learned this as children? Inspired by this revelation, I began my journey as a children’s book author, weaving this essential message into my stories. Yes

I’ve stumbled along the way, but then I remind myself, “That’s okay; I’m doing my best.”